Wednesday, April 18, 2007

How to Pill a Cat

Pilling a cat is a painful, frightening experience for many humans. Likewise, it is a painful, frightening experience for many cats! People are left physically scarred and cats are left emotionally scarred. Luckily, this no longer has to be the fate of you or your cat. By employing my Patented-Almost-Completely-Fool-Proof-Cat-Pilling-Technique listed below you too can achieve pilling harmony.

To use my Patented-Almost-Completely-Fool-Proof-Cat-Pilling-Technique wait until your cat is snoring, then, quietly, in another room retrieve the pill. After several pilling encounters, your cat will learn the sound of the pill bottle and will hide so silence at this step is extremely important, unless you like crawling under the bed to scrape your cat off the floor. Once you have the pill conceal it in your dominant hand, we will use the right. When you are completely ready to administer the pill, you may go to the room where your cat is sleeping.

Quickly, wake your cat by gently lifting him. Kneel on the floor and place your cat between your knees. Press your feet together to prevent your cat from escaping by backing up. Place your left hand under your cat’s chin and tilt his head back towards your stomach. Use your thumb and forefinger to open your cat’s mouth by gently pressing on either side of the mouth at the back of his lips. When your cat’s mouth is open, look inside. With your right hand, carefully aim the pill for the back of your cat’s mouth and shoot it in. Gently close your cat’s mouth with your left hand and hold until your are certain the pill has gone down.

There are some other things you should know while pilling a cat: hissing is helpful, the tongue is not slippery and blowing in your cat’s face is not rude. If your cat should hiss at you during this process, laugh to yourself. A hissing cat has an open mouth, which saves you the trouble of doing this step yourself. Better still, a cat will often look you in the eye while hissing. This will cause your cat to look up at you. You should be able to easily see inside your cat’s mouth and have a clear shot at his throat.
If the pill hits your cat’s rough tongue, it is very likely that he will be able to spit it out of his mouth. Once the pill is covered in spit, it is even harder to get it down so careful aim cannot be stressed enough. Your first shot is always your best. Once your cat is aware of what you are attempting to do, the difficulty of this exercise increases exponentially. Never give your cat a chance to build a counterattack. Remember, forewarned is forearmed. Finally, if the pill is in your cat’s mouth but not down his throat, try blowing a burst of air in your cat’s face (be gentle and avoid his eyes). If startled, your cat may swallow and thus take the pill.

Finally, the dismount may be the most important step of this process. Think of it as setting up for the next pill. You want your cat to leave the encounter as calmly as possible. Do not allow him to dart away. Instead, gently restrain him with all his paws on the floor with your left hand and scratch him with your right. When he relaxes, let go, but keep petting. By allowing him to walk away, you help him feel as though he was in control all along. He knows that he really wasn’t in control but he feels better pretending that he could have been in control. Get in the habit of offering some top-notch treats such as tuna immediately after, your cat may make a few allowances for the discomforts of being pilled if he’s convinced the payoff is better than the humiliation.

Good luck and go boldly! Remember faint heart never pilled pissy cat!